The energy of protection.
I caught the moon this morning, just before it set. Stillness. Quiet. Winter.
I don't "do" Christmas, so there's no rushing or shopping. There's been some baking, wreath making, and a whole lot of inner listening, though. I've given myself that time.
This year, Winter has been pulling me inward; into the quiet. Winter will do that, get us thinking about the deep stuff. The stuff that rises up and asks to be worked with. And damn if this old energy of mine of withholding - protecting and keeping things private and safe - hasn't circled back around to say hello.
I think the first time I truly looked at this in my life was when I was 14. I remember the very moment that something inside of me tried to show me that I was indeed protecting. I was standing with a group of friends who were talking about going to some kind of “rap session,” where a bunch of kids sat together and shared how they felt.
If I remember correctly, the hair on my arm stood up. Panic. That’s what I remember from that moment.
An inner voice said quite loudly, “You can’t do that. You can’t share all your secrets.”
I don’t know. I think at that point I shoved the fear down and avoided anything that looked like sharing who I was until Grad School. Somehow my spirit landed me in school to become a therapist… where to be a therapist you had to be in therapy.
I know, funny. There’s no escaping growth.
So here I am, circling back to this idea - this thing I do - and simply observing it. I’ve had enough go-rounds with it to know what it is and where it comes from.
Its history is not important.
What is needed is to understand what the feeling brings now; what I can learn so I can add that to the ever-evolving story; to grow from this learning.
So I sit. I feel. I talk to the energies of the protector and what’s being protected - as though they are people.
There’s no rush to get rid of them, so I sit with them like old friends who need to be heard.
Here’s what I see.
My protector? He’s love. He’s gentle. He’s not a wall but a warrior. When he trusts that all is well within, the protection is not needed. His Princess - now Queen- is grounded and safe. He’s not a permanent energy around here, always on and alert. He listens though, senses unrest, then steps up. He can rest though. More and more these days, which he likes. His domain now is sitting on a porch swing, drinking lemonade and watching the sunset. He is content to stand down.
The essence? That part of me that feels and fears being trampled on? She had some learning to do. It’s taken a while but she’s emerged in her power. She can filter people’s thoughts and ideas and toss away what is not hers. She has boundaries but has also claimed her ideas to the point where she’s unshakeable. Well, mostly unshakeable. Sometimes she needs a little TLC.
There are times where she wears armor. Not as a means of protecting, but a reminder that she has warrior energy.She is strong and sturdy. And yet, every now and again she looks around and wonders if she is OK. All she is looking for is a nod, a sign that she’s got this.
How do I know all this?
Because I create space to see these parts of me. To know them. To give them room to show me what they need and transform in their own right. They tell me what is needed to heal.
There’s another voice in this story. It’s my inner wisdom who says, “Just listen. Listen for the withholding, the protecting. See it, then move beyond it. Move through it the other side. The ‘work’ is now in the practice of allowing.”
So I do. I sit on the porch in my mind, with a lemonade, and learn how the protector can stand down. I walk with my essence and watch her look over her shoulder wondering if she is OK and I tell her she is. I remind her to feel into her warrior. And then I press on.
I let the curtain be pulled aside and the beauty that is there to shine. I’ve come a long with with these two.
This is the play. This is the creative process that heals.
And, it’s what Winter brings.
Over to you.
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